pressures

sometimes i have bad dreams. bad. for example. every once in a while... while something particularly stressfull is occurring in my life... i have bad dreams. the most common, for me, is this one where i'm revisiting a house or building i used to live in and to get to my bedroom i have crawl into and eventually through a small space, barely shoulder length wide and always filled with stuffy air. my heart races... my arms begin to twitch... i'm not stuck but, i cannot breathe. for the life of me i cannot take air in or send air out. scary man. scary.

i guess i feel like that now. i was commenting to a friend the other day that something big was on the horizon for me. good or bad, i couldn't tell you. but i know it's there. i can hear its slow thud. it is heavy. for certain.

my blog is in disarray... my websites out of date. i am out of date. the record was tracked but needs work to be done on it still. mixing, mastering... maybe a round of touch up with a little extra tracking.

hard to tell. other projects are under way. we're composing by looking at the stars.

spent some time at a birthday party in carroll county. i miss carroll county. open open open space... i'm sure harsh chemicals are treating the soil... but the sky was this thick blast of blue... the sun clear, hot. not angry hot like in the city... just matter of fact.

in the city... during this heat... there was a dead rat out front of our house... at first i didn't notice him... i'm desensitized to dead rats, i suppose. but the next day he grabbed me by the nostrils and bid me to notice him. I named him, Stinky.

After a couple weeks he has been pounded and ground into the asphalt... joyce carol oates... at least i think it was her... had a poem about roadkill being mashed into the pavement until it took the consistency of a an flat dish rag... i changed his name to Skinny.

he has since moved on... washed away? floated up? scraped off? faded through? blown to?

who knows...

i'm struggling back to my small space...

Grimm